There are people who get caught up in the sentimentality or perceived deeper meaning of New Year's, that when the clock strikes midnight, the world changes and the slate gets wiped clean.
I'm not one of those people.
What I am, though, is perhaps a mixture of believing and not.
There are those who are always eager to sweep the current year behind them, convinced that this year has been the worst of their lives, and cannot wait to usher in the new in all its promise.
I'm not one of those people either.
Each year of our lives has its own trials and conflict and sadness and loss and disappointment. We suffer hardship every year but there are also good things that happen as well.
My best friend told me the other day that amidst all of the bad, there is also the good. But the good is in moments which seem fleeting, like laughing your face off at someone acting ridiculous or singing your heart out to a song that moves you or seeing the look of wonder on a child's face. The bad, however, is so much easier to recall, to string together in a larger tapestry. It's easier to focus on those things as we move forward to restarting the calendar for the next year to begin.
Lately it's been easier for me to see the negatives instead of the positives, focus on the sadness instead of on the blessings I've received this year. I'm no stranger to struggling with depression, it's been a presence in my life almost as long as I can remember and lately, it's been a bitch to bring myself to get out of bed a lot of the time.
As I've read the wishes of people on Facebook today, offering up their words to the world, wishing them a Happy New Year, it gave me pause about all the things that have happened during 2011. And many of them were truly wonderful things. Those are the events I must concentrate on.
A friend sent me an email this week about deciding on my "word" for 2012. A word to be my theme, my talisman for the year. A word to cling to when I do find myself struggling. A word to carry me through the days that are harder. I scoffed at the idea, most of those self-help things just make me feel stupid. What word could I possibly choose for the course of a year, for a period of time that I have no way to anticipate what its days will bring?
I chose one today.
Hope.
I chose it for many reasons. I chose it because of the wonderful things I've read from To Write Love on Her Arms, an organization that inspires me, which speaks to me on my own struggle with depression. Because hope is real. I chose it because of people who surround me; people whose strength is also an inspiration. People who, despite the odds, recover and get up and fight the good fight no matter what is thrown at them. People who are stronger than I could hope to be. People who hold me up when all I want to do is fall down.
I've learned so much this past year and I don't want to go into a new year forgetting those lessons.
My sister has taught me about perseverance. About always doing your best for your family.
My husband has taught me about stability, of quiet reserve. Of being my roots.
My son has taught me about wonder and innocence.
Chrissy has taught me about kindness. That friends are found in the unlikeliest of places sometimes.
Jeff has taught me about determination.
Shayne has taught me that sometimes we all need to ask for help, even when it's the last thing we want to do.
Julie has taught me about believing in your dreams. That if you work hard enough for it, you can achieve what you want most.
Lisa has taught me about endurance.
Ken has taught me about strength of will and defying the odds in his amazing recovery from an injury to which we thought we'd lose him.
Jackie has taught me about friends, about accepting and loving someone without judgment. About loyalty and love in standing by Ken and not accepting any outcome other than the ideal - and getting that outcome. About opening your home and your heart to people you haven't known all that long.
Pri has taught me that you can influence people - in a good way - without intending to.
Amber has taught me that my words and thoughts can inspire people. That the things I say get through. That I can reach someone more than half my age. She and the other students in Creative Writing Club have taught me that being young doesn't mean you don't have something important to say and that the rest of us should listen.
Mary has taught me about the endurance of friendship. That 15 years can go by without seeing one another but when you do, it's like picking up your favorite book and the story is the same as it was the last time you read it and it's just as wonderful as it was all those years ago. That old friends are some of the best friends, that they will be there when you need them most.
Emilie has taught me about determination. And that it's okay to not know precisely what you want at any given moment. That it's better to weigh your decisions before acting rashly and making the wrong one.
Jes has taught me about resilience, of the importance of family and protecting yourself and those you love. About absolute bravery. About being an outstanding mother. About true grace under fire.
Patrick has taught me about courage born of fear. He has taught me that you keep fighting, even when you're down. He's taught me to never give up. He's taught me that no matter how broken inside I may feel, that person is still capable of good things. He's taught me about being a mirror. He's taught me that the smallest gesture can be enormous to someone else, from the lyrics to a song to stretching out your hand to help. He's taught me about acceptance, about being gentle on myself. About believing in someone, about holding people accountable without judgment. About faith. Together, we've learned that so long as you've got someone on your side, shoulder to shoulder, you can conquer anything.
With all of these lessons fresh in my head, I will bid goodbye to 2011 on good terms, with acceptance, and will look to 2012 with eyes of hope and a heart ready to accept what will come in the days ahead. I will hold my head high. I will accept the challenge of a new year. I look to the new year with an unwavering resolve. Tonight, we are all alive to welcome in a new year and that is a blessing and something to be thankful for in and of itself. That is not lost on me.
So in those moments when I feel I have little else, I will have hope.
