All these things...

These thoughts kept banging around in my head the other day and I needed to get them out, get them down.  I think they came out in a way that translates not only to me - but could translates to others.  So here's a little view into my head - remember - no refunds. 

I am not the death of my brother.

I am not the divorce of my parents.

I am not someone else’s addiction, or the cause of it.

I am not the violence I felt at someone’s hands.

I am not the knife to my throat.

I am not the rape I endured.

I am not my depression.

I am not my scars.

I am not their lack of coping skills.

I am not his infidelity.

I am not his inability to have “enough”. 

I am not a victim.

I am not the size of my jeans.

I am not the stores where I shop.

I am not my divorce.

I am not his ego.

I am not my own ego. 

I am not here to inflate anyone’s ego.

I am not my penchant for tattoos, piercings and hair color.

I am not his selfishness.

I am not a statistic.

I am not a “have”.

I am not a “have not”.

I am not the car that I drive.

I am not in competition with anyone.

I am not a paycheck – no matter the amount.

I am not their narcissism.

I am not the status quo.

I am not someone else’s lack of self worth.

I am not her unmanageable pain.

I am not her bad decisions.

I am me.

I am the sum of all these things and more – decimals and numbers and zeroes and life and death and emotion and hate and love and loss and loyalty and betrayal.  I am the ability to find strength in the pain.  I am compassion.  I am empathy.  I am accountability.  I am kindness.  I am survival.  I am honesty.  I am love.

I am my heart.  Which I can choose or not choose to wear upon my sleeve.

I am endurance.  I am endurance in all things. I am comprised of rising from the dirt and brushing myself off and never relying on the actions of others to save me.

I can save myself. 

I don’t need the love of another to complete me.  I don’t need the approval of another to complete or validate me.  I should be beautiful in my own eyes; it shouldn’t take the reflection in another’s to validate that belief.  My failures are not your successes.

I should be whole in my own eyes.

I am the phoenix, time and again.  I’ve risen from the ashes of my life over and over, every time I’ve been knocked or beaten down. 

No matter what, I will continue to rise.  I will not stay down, not ever.  I am more than that, stronger than that, better than that, better than the notion that I need saving.