All these things...

These thoughts kept banging around in my head the other day and I needed to get them out, get them down.  I think they came out in a way that translates not only to me - but could translates to others.  So here's a little view into my head - remember - no refunds. 

I am not the death of my brother.

I am not the divorce of my parents.

I am not someone else’s addiction, or the cause of it.

I am not the violence I felt at someone’s hands.

I am not the knife to my throat.

I am not the rape I endured.

I am not my depression.

I am not my scars.

I am not their lack of coping skills.

I am not his infidelity.

I am not his inability to have “enough”. 

I am not a victim.

I am not the size of my jeans.

I am not the stores where I shop.

I am not my divorce.

I am not his ego.

I am not my own ego. 

I am not here to inflate anyone’s ego.

I am not my penchant for tattoos, piercings and hair color.

I am not his selfishness.

I am not a statistic.

I am not a “have”.

I am not a “have not”.

I am not the car that I drive.

I am not in competition with anyone.

I am not a paycheck – no matter the amount.

I am not their narcissism.

I am not the status quo.

I am not someone else’s lack of self worth.

I am not her unmanageable pain.

I am not her bad decisions.

I am me.

I am the sum of all these things and more – decimals and numbers and zeroes and life and death and emotion and hate and love and loss and loyalty and betrayal.  I am the ability to find strength in the pain.  I am compassion.  I am empathy.  I am accountability.  I am kindness.  I am survival.  I am honesty.  I am love.

I am my heart.  Which I can choose or not choose to wear upon my sleeve.

I am endurance.  I am endurance in all things. I am comprised of rising from the dirt and brushing myself off and never relying on the actions of others to save me.

I can save myself. 

I don’t need the love of another to complete me.  I don’t need the approval of another to complete or validate me.  I should be beautiful in my own eyes; it shouldn’t take the reflection in another’s to validate that belief.  My failures are not your successes.

I should be whole in my own eyes.

I am the phoenix, time and again.  I’ve risen from the ashes of my life over and over, every time I’ve been knocked or beaten down. 

No matter what, I will continue to rise.  I will not stay down, not ever.  I am more than that, stronger than that, better than that, better than the notion that I need saving.

MCHS Bleeds Black and Orange

Today, similar to what I did last month at Highland High School, I spoke to two groups of students.  The difference this time was that I spoke at the high school I graduated from, Marlboro Central.  It was strange to me to be back in those halls I hadn't set foot in in years.  So much has changed yet they still felt like the same old hallways they had always been.  So much had been renovated and changed - and all of it for the better.  The names of my friends were still up on the board in the entryway for their rank when we graduated back in 1994, which was comforting to see.  I revisited a lot of old memories when I walked through those doors this morning, some of them good...some not so good. 

There are still teachers remaining from when I attended there, also good to see.  I got to spend time with Mrs. Casey, or Anne as she now insists I call her though it is certainly strange to call her by her first name, who was my English teacher during my senior year.  While I don't think she was much of a fan of my writing when she was my teacher and I her pupil, she appears to have been converted now.  It was great to be able to have a conversation that wasn't teacher/student and it was even better to discuss writing and reading and various other topics before the students came in as well as after.  I have to say special thanks to her as well as Jenn Atkins for bringing me in and letting me speak to the students.  They're both wonderful and admirable women and it was my pleasure to spend my day with them today.  It was also fantastic to meet some of the administration as well, which was an honor to me that they took time out of their busy day to listen to me prattle on.

On to the students...

The first group of students I believe had entered a lottery of sorts to be able to sit in and listen to my "talk", for lack of a better description.  This time around I was better prepared - instead of flying by the seat of my pants for the whole thing I had the foresight to prepare a Power Point presentation (for which I solicited much feedback from my inner circle - including my new pal Pri from Highland High School who enduring me "winging it" last time) to keep me better on track and not floundering so much to think of what I wanted to say. 

The second group of students I spoke to were part of a creative writing group that apparently meets after school one day a week or so.  I think by the second round of kids I was a little less nervous (read: terrified) than I'd been for the first round.  The first group was great and listened to my nonsense unfailingly and was respectful and asked good questions.  The second group....wow.  Just wow. 

Round Two asked me more questions than I can even remember.  They were ravenous with questions.  Most of them stayed in the library for a second period there were so many questions!  I showed them my playlists that I use for my writing, both the playlist for Second Chances as well as the playlist I'm using to work on the novel I'm working on now and managed to feel like I'm not an irrelevant, supercilious old poop, which I have to admit, felt marvelous. 

To all those students who may happen upon this blog - thank you.  Thank you for listening, thank you for being interested, thank you for allowing me to intrude upon your day to talk to you about my passions, about my work and all the other nonsense I blathered on about.  But what I said to all of you is true - believe in yourself and you can achieve your dreams.  The stories you hold in your hearts and your heads that you are working to tell - keep at them.  They are stories that should - and need to be - told.  Be brave.  Be diligent and tenacious.  Never let the words of strangers keep you from continuing to work toward fulfilling your goals.  Let nothing deter you.  Don't apologize for the person you are.  It was a true honor for me to speak to each and every one of you today.  It moved me beyond description.

Speaking to these kids is like a drug to me.  I felt almost high after it was over, such a rush of adrenaline and terror running through my veins that I was ready to crash and burn from exhaustion by 2 PM.  Seeing their faces as they listened and paid attention, hearing and answering their questions, knowing that at least a few of them weren't bored to tears by what I had to say was like nothing I've experienced before.  This experience coupled with the one I had at Highland made me think - if I could make a living at this, at speaking to high school students, I would do it in a heartbeat.  I remember how hard it was to be at that age, where you're trying to figure out who you are, who you want to be, what is important to you, who your friends are and aren't - it's the most psychotic time in your life.  It's hard.  You're still a child but on the cusp of adulthood.  You're supposed to still act like a kid yet not.  I'm not sure how any of us make it out alive, yet most of us do.  A little worse for wear, but alive nonetheless.  I don't want to preach to any of them or be one of those ridiculous out of touch grownups who try to be relevant.  I want to be able to speak to them on their own level.  It's not guaranteed to reach them but I do try - I try to be a grownup outside of speaking to students but occasionally, that's an epic fail.  More than occasionally.  Despite the terror I felt, it was an exhilerating experience and one I'd be happy to do again and again. 

A few students asked for my email address for any other questions they may have - so here it is: jlplace76@gmail.com. 

A few also asked for my playlists to be posted on here - so here they are:

The playlist for my as yet untitled vampire project:

Lost - Avenged Sevenfold

Hurricane - Thirty Seconds to Mars

A Cross and a Girl Named Blessed - Evans Blue

Kings and Queens - Thirty Seconds to Mars

Thunder - Boys Like Girls

Far From Home - Five Finger Death Punch

The Kill - Thirty Seconds to Mars

Untouchable Face - Ani DiFranco

Dance with the Devil - Breaking Benjamin

If It Means a Lot to You - A Day to Remember

Say You'll Haunt Me - Stone Sour

Happens All the Time - Cold

Your Love Kills Me - The Veer Union

Attack - Thirty Seconds to Mars

From Yesterday - Thirty Seconds to Mars

Drowning - Saving Abel

Inside Our Skin - Emery

Savin' Me - Nickelback (don't judge me)

This is War - Thirty Seconds to Mars

Night of the Hunter - Thirty Seconds to Mars

Savior - Rise Against

Brompton Cocktail - Avenged Sevenfold

Firework - Katy Perry

Vox Populi - Thirty Seconds to Mars

The Story - Thirty Seconds to Mars

Jumper - Bedlight for Blue Eyes

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

Raise Your Glass - Pink

Seconds Chances Playlist:

Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick

A Place Called Home - Kim Richey

Anthem of the Angels - Breaking Benjamin

Gone Away - The Offspring

Pictures of You - The Cure

So Long, Goodbye - 10 Years

Show Me What I'm Looking For - Carolina Liar

Your Ghost - Kristen Hirsch & Michael Stipe

Second Chance - Shinedown

Just Like Heaven - The Cure

Congratulations - Blue October

Push - Sarah McLachlan

Fly From Heaven - Toad the Wet Sprocket

Rain King - Counting Crows

The Wood Song - The Indigo Girls

Never Be the Same - Red

The Ponytail Parades - Emery

What Lies Beneath - Breaking Benjamin

Who Knew - Pink

Call Me - Shinedown

Devils and Angels - Toby Lightman

Stop and Say You Love Me - Evans Blue

Chameleon Boy - Blue October

Hard Headed Woman - Cat Stevens

Do What You Have to Do - Sarah McLachlan

It's Been a While - Staind

Breath - Breaking Benjamin

Come On Get Higher - Matt Nathanson

Cold - Crossfade

Never Again - Kelly Clarkson

Near to You - A Fine Frenzy

Am I Wrong - Love Spit Love

Ask - The Smiths

The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson

Heart in Hand - Vertical Horizon

Beg - Evans Blue

Pieces - Red

They Weren't There - Missy Higgins

Lost in You - Three Days Grace

Again - from the bottom of my heart - thank you all who made today possible so very much.

Miscellany

I have a lot rolling around in my head today, some good and some bad.  My brain is kind of all over the place and I’m doing my best right now to make some sense out of it. 

I’ve come to realize that, while I attempt to live a drama-free lifestyle, despite my best efforts drama does manage to work itself into my life on a daily basis – as is really the case for everyone.  Everyone has their own drama every day of life.  I suppose the key is not to feed into it, which sounds good on paper but in practice isn’t always so simple. 

The first thing today was seeing a piece on the morning news about a mother who drove herself and her four children into the Hudson River last night.  One of them was able to escape, her ten year old son.  Her other children, ages five, two and 11 months were not so lucky.  I can’t comprehend this, I just can’t.  And while stories like this affected me before I had a child of my own, they doubly affect me now.  My heart breaks for those little children, it cracks into little pieces at the thought of those tiny lives snuffed out far too soon.  How any mother could do something like that to her children…I just don’t know.  There aren’t words.  Our children trust us, trust us to do right by them, to help them make decisions, to fight for them, to keep their best interests above all else.  And when parents betray that trust, well, they never should have been granted the gift of children to begin with.  I have to trust there is a special room in Hell for those parents who would visit hurt or betrayal upon those precious lives they were given the privilege to raise. 

My inbox at work had become unmanageable at a little over 10,000 messages that went back I don’t know how far.  In attempting to do some housekeeping, I came across the exchanges I’d had with my family last year around this time when my aunt became ill and was moved to hospice.  The one year anniversary of her passing is coming up on the 28^th.  I can’t believe it’s been almost a year already.  I still haven’t reconciled myself completely to the knowledge that she’s gone.  Thinking of those events a year ago unleashed a flurry of unexpected tears today – the hurt, the fear, the pain, the heartache and the loss.  I keep focusing on a mental image of her in hospice giving her son the finger when he wised off to her.  Her personality stayed true to the very end.  And I know she knew we were there with her at the end, that we didn’t abandon her or leave her alone.  And while we weren’t there with her when she went, she was in all of our hearts.  She’s still in my heart.  I carry her with me every day and somehow that knowledge will have to be enough.  I miss her. 

While I found these sad emails, I also found a few that made me happy – those being the messages sent around on April 23^rd of last year when I was offered my publishing contract for Second Chances.  So within the sad, there’s the balance of happy.  That contract was the fulfillment of dreams I’d held close to my heart since I was little, when someone had given me a manual typewriter for Christmas to write my stories on, when I wrote silly stories with Tennille that we stuffed inside a pillowcase to hide from Mom and Heather.  That contract was written proof that I’d accomplished something, whether I sold more than a single copy or not.  I’d moved from the ranks of “writer” to “author” by receiving a two page document stating that someone had found my words, my story worthy of printing.  No matter fame, fortune or notoriety, I had accomplished that one dream that had outshined all the other dreams I’d held dear.  I haven’t found the words to express how I feel about it yet, even after a year.  Not pride.  Not arrogance.  Not boastful.  I can’t define it.  It’s prompted me to put effort forth in an attempt to talk to others about how they can make their own dreams come true, hence my visits to two area high schools to speak with the students about writing, the message not being so much the ins and outs of writing and being published but more believing in your dreams and believing in yourself, something I’m more than occasionally terrible at. 

So call this little collection of thoughts what you will.  I think of it mainly as trying to bleed out a little bit, to release some of these thoughts so I can concentrate on other things.  Nothing overly profound or helpful to anyone but me, but I suppose that’s okay.